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Thursday, June 14, 2012

Pay It Forward Contest donates to The Hotline

Pay It Forward Contest Blog: Why-do-we-donate-to-thehotlineorg_b_9.html#comments

This contest is a really neat and creative contest with great goals in mind.  And they've made it even better by donating a portion of the proceeds to is an organization dedicated to assisting families dealing with domestic violence.

There are far to many families in our nation dealing with hidden abuse and domestic violence issues, behind closed doors, not knowing where to turn. The Hotline gives them a place to turn.

Check out the above blog and contest information, and find out how you can pay it forward too.

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Sunday, March 14, 2010


Intense anger
Such rage
Kick it out
Punch it out
Run it out
Released nothing
But more of the same
How long has this been pent up??

So close, yet so far.
Cannot touch it
Cannot have it
Longing, wanting
Eats away at sensibilities
Cannot think straight

Given up so much
Lost precious belongings
Held on to memories
Lost dear friends
Learned distance
Learned to cherish the moment
Learned to let go
Gave up dreams
Long gone college years
Long gone career aspirations
Traded for family
Traded for comfort
Traded for security
Lost a child
Broken heart
Never to understand
Learned to mend
Stopped crying
Gathered strength
Put on a facade
Life goes on

But one loss
But one torn piece
But one precious piece
Long since buried
Long since hidden
Long thought forgotten
Resurfaces suddenly
Brings out such longing
Such want
Such desire
Burns with fire
Drowns with tears
With with rage
With anger
With pain

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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The shard of Glass

The other day
I picked up a piece of my broken heart.
It wasn't a large piece,
Not very big at all, very small, in fact.
It was more a sliver,
The size of a shard of glass.
'How odd,'
I thought, ' that this could hurt os much!'
'This little speck
Caused my life and soul love so great,
And still
I ripped itself out of my heart,
And I was
In agony and terrible pain for days.'
I cried for weeks and still.
'How could I keep
Something that hurt so much?'
It was a piece-
No, it was my heart and life
I could not put it back; it was only part mine now.
So I took
The tiny piece into that forbidden closet.
In my heart,
Where he is a part of me.

(this was written, unedited, circa 1989-1990 by Me for a High School publication; found it digging through old things)

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Sunday, February 7, 2010


The rules were just laid out for me last night. I'm not sure if I had actually forgotten them or if I had chosen to ignore them, but it was thought I needed reminding. The shackles now rest on my wrists binding me to the rules.

My friends are a bad influence on me. My friends judge and lead me down a crooked path. I am to spend no time with my friends, not without supervision or approval. There will be no "girl’s night out" as it may lead to my wanting to leave for something better.

My family is priority. I am not to neglect their needs. I am not to put undo responsibilities on them. I am here to make life easier. I am responsible for the upkeep of our home, maintaining ample supply of freshly laundered clothing on demand, providing cooked and selflessly prepared meals. I am not to let basic staples run out nor to push upon the children what has been deemed my responsibility.

I am to rise before dawn, prepare a lunch, cook breakfast, and ensure a change of clothing is handy. I am to give a loving send-off as one goes to work and/or school. If it on my day to work, I must get up even earlier to ensure these responsibilities have been done before I must leave.

The house must be immaculate. No dishes must be left in the sink and no crumbs on the counters. Trash cans must be empty at all times. No debris or dog hairs on the floor. Dirty laundry must not sit in the hamper. I am to knowingly stock snacks and beer and have ready at all times. I am to purchase groceries in a prescribed manner; otherwise I did not shop for groceries and deprived my family.

I am to be intimate at a moment's notice and with willingness of whatever is desired. I must respond with the appropriate actions, noises, as well as, involuntary responses. I must not show emotion other than sheer pleasure even if in pain or uncomfortable. I must not be offended by comparisons to other women. I must prepare my body as demanded.

I am not to cry or shed a tear. Not when upset, or angry, or sad, or when watching a touching movie. It is a disgrace and utterly annoying to others. It must not be done.

I am not to complain about a bad day at work, and I must remember that I do not work as hard as anyone else. I must continue to work and remember that there is no way that I will ever provide what is needed. I am not to speak to other males at work unless absolutely necessary.

I am to surrender whatever amount from my paycheck is desired and to not question how it is used. I am not to try to save or put away extra funds. I am not to use the funds without accounting for every cent or without prior approval.

I must not attend work functions that inconvenience the other. I must not put my career above my family or one's needs.

I must focus my attention 100% on the one who demands it. I may not read books, watch TV, work on a hobby, or talk on the phone when in the presence of the one who demands my attention.

My need for rest and sleep are irrelevant. I must make do with what I am allowed and not complain or fall short on my duties.

I must lose weight, and I must do so as described to me by the all knowing.  I am to be perfect in appearance. I am to wear make up but not when others would be able to see.  I am to smile at all times.

I am to answer the phone immediately. I am to give answers even when a question is not asked. I must give answers such that are in agreement with another, not of my own.

I must make the other feel better, happier, and satisfied. I am to console and support the other, regardless of my opinion.  I am to know what to do to make it better for the other.

I am not my own person. I am to remember that. I do not live. I do not have life. I am here for someone else. I must remember that I do not exist.

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There is a disease, difficult to diagnose and harder to cure. Its symptoms gradually grow and intensify. Some are extremes. Some are so subtle they can be missed. After a while, one experiences all symptoms, in any order, within the same day.

Shortness of Breath

Heart Palpitations

Tension in Neck & Shoulders




Mysterious bruising, not caused by impact or blows

Blurred Vision

Ringing in the Ears

"Foggy" Brain, Lack of Concentration


Nervousness and Extreme Anxiety

Aching Joints

Stiff Back

Drop Foot or Tripping over Flat Surfaces

Extreme Exhaustion


Lack of Appetite


Racing Thoughts

Uncontrollable Crying

Catatonic State

Vivid, Intense Dreams

Suicidal Thoughts

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