google54a21fefcdb79515.html Randomly Kassiopeia: 7/1/09 - 8/1/09

Monday, July 13, 2009

the ballerina

Petite, delicate, graceful, she dons her slippers over her pink tights. She stands, smooths out her black skirt over her black leotard, tucks back a strand of hair fallen from her perfectly formed chignon. With eagerness, she places her hands on the barre and begins.

The fluidity and passion in her movements hide the clumsy, undeveloped postures of her youthfulness. Her smile outshines the light in the room. Bending to and fro, rising and falling, reaching further and further, she repeats the motions numerous times. The music carries her movements, holds her up, as though encouraging her.

She steps away, inhales the room, then her toes barely touch the ground as she strides rapidly to the center of the room. She bounds into a long, sinewy, effortful leap. She seems to glide in the air for hours, landing only feet away. On pointed toe, tiny steps she takes around the room, twirls, then repeats the grand action once again.

She looks up to the looking glass wall. She smiles grandly, filled with pride. Then ends with a small, polite curtsey. And with that, one could could imagine the curtain fall and a roar of applause from beyond the four walls.

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Sunday, July 12, 2009

sabotage expanded

In sabotage, I shared just one example of how I experience sabotage in my life, my goals, my dreams.
This is certainly not a one time or first time event. There are many areas of my life where I seem to experience saboteurs, but in this particular area I battle the same saboteur repeatedly. This is constant. I doubt it will change.

I used to think it was self-sabotage, but I'm coming to recognize that, in this particular area of my life, I'm just giving-in to someone else's attempts at sabotaging my life, my goals, my dreams.

18 years ago, I was fit, healthy, skinny. I was a recovered anorexic, a fitness instructor, a body builder. I felt fantastic about life and myself.

17 years ago, he found me iresistable and physically attractive. he made the comment that he didn't like women who had muscles. He thought is was disgusting and unfeminine. I stopped body building. I stopped running when he complained it took my attention away from him, and that I made him look bad for not working out himself. .

16 years ago, I had a baby and started letting myself "go". He let me know that. He teased me about his ideal woman.

10 years ago, I tried to get myself "back." He made fun of me. He compared me to other women he thought were more attractive. He accused me of not finding him attractive or being unapproving of his appearance.

5 years ago, I gave up. He made me feel like a failure. He still compared me to other women he thought were more attractive. He gave his "ideal" description. I'll never measure up.

2 years ago, I compelled myself to begin again. He made fun of me. He accused me again of not being satisfied with who HE is. He told me how to do fix me. He bossed me around. And he sabotaged me.

I joined a women's only health club. He seemed supportive. After a few visits, caring for the children so I could go workout became an inconvenience, a burden. Slowly, I stopped going.

I dragged out my work out videos & got new equipment. I got a good start on these. Then I was in the way of someone else's time to watch TV. I disturbed him when I got up early to do these. It was an inconvenience when I asked for time in the evening. Slowly I began to pull away from this too.

I started walking, with a friend of mine. He said he wanted to go walking with me. Asked me why I walked with my friend not him? Said he wanted to walk with me and my friend. He and I walked a couple of times, and then he stopped. He'd say he'd want to go, but we wouldn't. He'd be annoyed when I'd say I was walking with my friend. He'd complain that I wasn't spending time with him. I haven't quit...but I'm not as dedicated as I want to be.

I started trying to eat healthier. He said I wasn't eating enough. Then he accused me of telling him how to eat, of not being satisfied with him. I stopped.

He decided to start dieting. I supported him by buying and fixing the foods he requested. Later, he was angry with me and accused me of "dictating" to him, controlling him. I stopped.

He started seeing a doctor and got pills. He told me again what he wanted to eat. He saw changes for himself. He told me I should go get the pills too. I declined. He persisted, I still declined.

I found a fun workout class to attend. He said "Go. Enjoy." I went. I was happy. He complained when I wasn't home with him. He made fun of the class. He made plans to interfere with my plans to go to my class. He made me feel I couldn't go. I stopped going.

I joined a weight loss support group with my friend. He seemed supportive. He congratulated me with my first success. He complained as I continued to go.

He doesn't like me to go when he's home from work. He wants me home for him.

He doesn't like me to go when he's at work, because the children will be home and need me.

He blocks me from buying the foods I know I should eat. I read the label, and he says, "just get what we usually get" or "i don't like that."

I keep surrendering to his sabotage. I keep lying down and allow him to shape me, control me, pressure me. This has to stop. I must anticipate the sabateur and gear up for battle. I must stand! I must!...partake of strong!!

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Saturday, July 11, 2009


Saboteur identified.

She ventures on her way home from a long days' work, a long commute on a bus, with no control over the timelyness or lack there of. The electronic leash buzzes again and flashes overwelmingly loud silent messages:

"Where are you?"

on the bus.

"What's for dinner?"


"What roast?"

the 1 left to put in crock cuz i have ww tonite

"It's in the fridge."

no one started it?

"So what's for dinner?"

i'll figure it out when i get home

Three quarters of an hour passes, a short nap later. The electronic leash buzzes again and her chest gets tight.

"Where are you?"

not quite to town

"Dinners ready."


"Should we wait for you?"

prolly not. i have ww tonite.

"So are you going to eat with us?"

i'd like to go weigh in

"So are you going to eat with us?"

ww tonite. shouldn't before i weigh in. not had good w-ins lately.

"We'll wait for you."

sure. fine. i'll come home & eat.

In front of her is a heaping plate of food, smothered in gravy. He is hovering nearby...watching her intently. Frowning as she picks at the food on the plate.

Inside she screams. She started attending Weight Watchers with a friend of hers almost two months ago, and has attended meetings every week. Hopeful of successful results around the corner, she keeps going. This routine on this day of the week is not a surprise or unplanned event. Weight Watchers meeting on this same day of the week at the same time. She rises at 3:30 am and before she leaves the house at 4:30 am, she is sure to make sure dinner is ready to be prepared. They know what to do...the crock pot is ready and waiting. Arriving home again at 5:30 pm, she has enough time to run home, change clothes, use the toilet and run back out the door.

It's 6:20 pm. "So are you going to Weight Watchers?" Um, no. I'm already late, she says, despondently. As he turns away, she swears she could see a hint of a smirk of smugness on his face.

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