google54a21fefcdb79515.html Randomly Kassiopeia: sabotage expanded

Sunday, July 12, 2009

sabotage expanded

In sabotage, I shared just one example of how I experience sabotage in my life, my goals, my dreams.
This is certainly not a one time or first time event. There are many areas of my life where I seem to experience saboteurs, but in this particular area I battle the same saboteur repeatedly. This is constant. I doubt it will change.

I used to think it was self-sabotage, but I'm coming to recognize that, in this particular area of my life, I'm just giving-in to someone else's attempts at sabotaging my life, my goals, my dreams.

18 years ago, I was fit, healthy, skinny. I was a recovered anorexic, a fitness instructor, a body builder. I felt fantastic about life and myself.

17 years ago, he found me iresistable and physically attractive. he made the comment that he didn't like women who had muscles. He thought is was disgusting and unfeminine. I stopped body building. I stopped running when he complained it took my attention away from him, and that I made him look bad for not working out himself. .

16 years ago, I had a baby and started letting myself "go". He let me know that. He teased me about his ideal woman.

10 years ago, I tried to get myself "back." He made fun of me. He compared me to other women he thought were more attractive. He accused me of not finding him attractive or being unapproving of his appearance.

5 years ago, I gave up. He made me feel like a failure. He still compared me to other women he thought were more attractive. He gave his "ideal" description. I'll never measure up.

2 years ago, I compelled myself to begin again. He made fun of me. He accused me again of not being satisfied with who HE is. He told me how to do fix me. He bossed me around. And he sabotaged me.

I joined a women's only health club. He seemed supportive. After a few visits, caring for the children so I could go workout became an inconvenience, a burden. Slowly, I stopped going.

I dragged out my work out videos & got new equipment. I got a good start on these. Then I was in the way of someone else's time to watch TV. I disturbed him when I got up early to do these. It was an inconvenience when I asked for time in the evening. Slowly I began to pull away from this too.

I started walking, with a friend of mine. He said he wanted to go walking with me. Asked me why I walked with my friend not him? Said he wanted to walk with me and my friend. He and I walked a couple of times, and then he stopped. He'd say he'd want to go, but we wouldn't. He'd be annoyed when I'd say I was walking with my friend. He'd complain that I wasn't spending time with him. I haven't quit...but I'm not as dedicated as I want to be.

I started trying to eat healthier. He said I wasn't eating enough. Then he accused me of telling him how to eat, of not being satisfied with him. I stopped.

He decided to start dieting. I supported him by buying and fixing the foods he requested. Later, he was angry with me and accused me of "dictating" to him, controlling him. I stopped.

He started seeing a doctor and got pills. He told me again what he wanted to eat. He saw changes for himself. He told me I should go get the pills too. I declined. He persisted, I still declined.

I found a fun workout class to attend. He said "Go. Enjoy." I went. I was happy. He complained when I wasn't home with him. He made fun of the class. He made plans to interfere with my plans to go to my class. He made me feel I couldn't go. I stopped going.

I joined a weight loss support group with my friend. He seemed supportive. He congratulated me with my first success. He complained as I continued to go.

He doesn't like me to go when he's home from work. He wants me home for him.

He doesn't like me to go when he's at work, because the children will be home and need me.

He blocks me from buying the foods I know I should eat. I read the label, and he says, "just get what we usually get" or "i don't like that."


I keep surrendering to his sabotage. I keep lying down and allow him to shape me, control me, pressure me. This has to stop. I must anticipate the sabateur and gear up for battle. I must stand firm...no! I must RUN...dance!...partake of goodness...be strong!!

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2 comments:

Kellie Jo Holly said...

My husband is a terrorist too. He lies in wait for the right time to attack and my constant vigilance gives me no rest.

So, what battle strategies work against terrorism?

We're already on their home turf (just as our US military has a foothold in the Middle East).

The terrorists' attacks are beginning to be foreseen (just as the terrorists in the M.E. freshest onslaught was predicted by the commanding general over there).

But what comes after gaining a foothold and foreseeing the attacks? Is defense the best offense in these scenarios or is there a better way?

I wonder if leaving the home (or country) is really the best defense. After all, leaving the terrorist to his own devices does not guarantee OUR OWN safety. We as wives (or as a country) will remain attached to the terrorist due to previous ties (like children...or commitments to a friendly nation like Israel).

Maybe if you and I can figure out a real solution, we can become consultants to the military! At the very least, we can live freely and healthfully and joyfully on our home turf.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes you just have to walk away.

As hard and scary as it seems, "you take what you can carry on the bus and don't look back." Mom

But you will never be alone...you have an Army behind you.