erased

i try so hard to remember
all at the same time wanting to forget
not what the event
but feelings


when i try to recall
my mind seems erased
unable to find that certain event
certain word certain action


i try so hard to remember
so i can feel the feeling again
to warn myself in case it happens
again


i try so hard to remember
all the while forgetting
so i find myself
trapped in a wheel
spinning
tumbling
racing
in the same reel again and again


i try so hard to remember
so i can find the truth
so i can arm myself
so i can fight back


i try so hard to remember
to remember the conversations
the words
the hurt
the pain
the shock
the anger


but i can't.