rules

The rules were just laid out for me last night. I'm not sure if I had actually forgotten them or if I had chosen to ignore them, but it was thought I needed reminding. The shackles now rest on my wrists binding me to the rules.


My friends are a bad influence on me. My friends judge and lead me down a crooked path. I am to spend no time with my friends, not without supervision or approval. There will be no "girl’s night out" as it may lead to my wanting to leave for something better.


My family is priority. I am not to neglect their needs. I am not to put undo responsibilities on them. I am here to make life easier. I am responsible for the upkeep of our home, maintaining ample supply of freshly laundered clothing on demand, providing cooked and selflessly prepared meals. I am not to let basic staples run out nor to push upon the children what has been deemed my responsibility.


I am to rise before dawn, prepare a lunch, cook breakfast, and ensure a change of clothing is handy. I am to give a loving send-off as one goes to work and/or school. If it on my day to work, I must get up even earlier to ensure these responsibilities have been done before I must leave.


The house must be immaculate. No dishes must be left in the sink and no crumbs on the counters. Trash cans must be empty at all times. No debris or dog hairs on the floor. Dirty laundry must not sit in the hamper. I am to knowingly stock snacks and beer and have ready at all times. I am to purchase groceries in a prescribed manner; otherwise I did not shop for groceries and deprived my family.


I am to be intimate at a moment's notice and with willingness of whatever is desired. I must respond with the appropriate actions, noises, as well as, involuntary responses. I must not show emotion other than sheer pleasure even if in pain or uncomfortable. I must not be offended by comparisons to other women. I must prepare my body as demanded.


I am not to cry or shed a tear. Not when upset, or angry, or sad, or when watching a touching movie. It is a disgrace and utterly annoying to others. It must not be done.


I am not to complain about a bad day at work, and I must remember that I do not work as hard as anyone else. I must continue to work and remember that there is no way that I will ever provide what is needed. I am not to speak to other males at work unless absolutely necessary.


I am to surrender whatever amount from my paycheck is desired and to not question how it is used. I am not to try to save or put away extra funds. I am not to use the funds without accounting for every cent or without prior approval.


I must not attend work functions that inconvenience the other. I must not put my career above my family or one's needs.


I must focus my attention 100% on the one who demands it. I may not read books, watch TV, work on a hobby, or talk on the phone when in the presence of the one who demands my attention.


My need for rest and sleep are irrelevant. I must make do with what I am allowed and not complain or fall short on my duties.


I must lose weight, and I must do so as described to me by the all knowing.  I am to be perfect in appearance. I am to wear make up but not when others would be able to see.  I am to smile at all times.


I am to answer the phone immediately. I am to give answers even when a question is not asked. I must give answers such that are in agreement with another, not of my own.


I must make the other feel better, happier, and satisfied. I am to console and support the other, regardless of my opinion.  I am to know what to do to make it better for the other.


I am not my own person. I am to remember that. I do not live. I do not have life. I am here for someone else. I must remember that I do not exist.

sophistication

I think almost every little girl has wanted to grow up to be Grace Kelly. Beautiful, poised, elegant, sophisicated.


Long ago, I equated Sophistication with Wealth.


Growing up very much so lower-middle-class, at times even poor, I had often dreamed of the luxuries that many of my friends had: immaculate homes, pristine furnishings, the finest clothing, the opportunities to be in a plethora of extracurricular activities. Our home was clean, our furniture at times was second hand but in good condition, our clothes were plain yet functional, and extracurricular activities were limited to those that didn't interfere with the budget or the need to work.

Later, sophistication appeared as vast knowledge of the world.

I longed for the smooth words and wit of the intellectual. I envied those exposed to culture and arts; my world absorbed much of these only through books. It was words, expressions, lines, colors and history. I dreamed of travel and experiences out of my immediate grasp.

But at this stage of my life, almost mid-life, I've learned that sophistication is so much more, as defined in Webster's in the third definition: the process or result of becoming more complex, developed, or subtle.

It is the ability to handle life with grace and poise without drawing attention to yourself. It's wise choices and balanced relationships. What I notice most about the sophisticate, is the ability to make mistakes and not pull others into seedy drama. It is the ability to seem steadfast and appear unshaken dispite your circumstances, and the ability to not wallow in self pity.

For those how have endured any drama I have dragged them into, I extend my deepest apologies. I hereby endeavor to become more complex, to develop deeply as a person, and live life subtly.