decision

I have to make a decision.

Deciding to make a decision has me terrified. To make this decision will end my life as I know it. That is frightening.

To not make this decision will mean continuing to live a life in complete lunacy and fear. This is not fair to my children, nor to me.

The life I lead now is small, full of "crazy-making" and fear, confusion and frustration. I look in the mirror and I see a familiar face...it's not mine, but one from my past. One that I claimed that I be different than. I'm now her. I don't like it. I must do something. I have to decide.

Making this decision will take more courage, strength, and confidence than I believe that I can muster. I've never felt courageous. I am not strong. And I am certainly not confident.

I also have come to learn that I don't adapt to change well. Sure, while growing up, as a "military brat", I was forced into adaptation through a serious of continuous changes. I put on a good face and fake it quite well. But in reality, I don't truly adapt and resist change.

I like comfortable and familiar. "New" frightens me. "Different" perplexes me. But the familiar is no longer comfortable, or even healthy, maybe not even safe.

The next few days will be nerve wracking internally, combusting my synapses and every quivering nerve. I said I would make a plan. I had started. I haven't followed through. I now have to move that plan forward to the next level. I have to decide the next step...what, when, where, how...

I must do this and make a better life for my children, and before I find myself in a complete mental breakdown.

Take a deep breath...be strong, be courageous, be confident. Do it. Repeat this again...and act, I tell myself.